Your parents' divorce might be setting the stage for your own.

Shannon*, a 48 year old client of mine, recently explained her "aha" moment when discussing the issues behind her impending divorce. She married her husband because he "completed" her -- masking low self-esteem and feelings of not being worthy of love.

It wasn't until after therapy and introspection that she realized she had fallen into a relationship trap: Trying to fill a void of lost love left by her parents' divorce, and the loss of a relationship with her mother, when she was just 5 years old.

Seeking a rescue, not a relationship?

Shannon considered her husband a real catch. She thought her knight in shining armor cared about her every move. He guided her through life, managed the finances and left all aspects of parenting to her.

In fact, this perfect partner repeated the patterns and disillusionments experienced in childhood. Shannon experienced controlling and emotionally abusive behavior, jealousy and an uninvolved husband. She felt this was ok: She'd grown up fearing abandonment and deflecting anger from her stepmother.

You see, when Shannon's parents divorced, her mother left, with what seemed like no concern for her (the truth revealed many years later in adulthood when she regained a relationship with her mother); her father remarried, but this union did not provide her with the love and nurturing she so desperately needed. What happened in childhood then, has a significant impact on how romantic relationships are handled now, as an adult.

Although many children are resilient, and grow up thinking of themselves as just regular kids, not children of divorce, there are some children who are impacted emotionally in the long term. When a parent abandons a child, that child often believes that there was something wrong with him--or herself--and carries this belief into adulthood.

While the lack of a relationship with a parent can have a significant impact on romantic relationships for a child later in life, there is a debate amongst researchers on this topic. Some say, these individuals are affected for life. Others feel that with work, an individual can learn to come to terms with it, heal and develop rich and successful romantic partnerships.

According to Dr. Michelle Mitcham, a professor of counseling and a divorce expert, an individual's self esteem is affected because they feel rejected. The loss of the parental relationship due to divorce results in a lack of trust.

"People have different cognitions [beliefs], and this leaves certain behaviors. If your cognition is on some level, I'm a bad person, or I'm not worthy, or at some level there is something that you think you did to deserve it, the lines get blurred. What messages are you giving yourself, even if they are subliminal?"

Dr. Mitcham helps her patients regain their self-esteem and trust, so that they are able to develop a positive outlook, and healthy romantic relationships. She helps her patients cope with the loss of a parent or a fragmented relationship with the parent, and to heal by working on these 5 significant messages.

1. Look to your family of origin for answers.

It is important to resolve any issues that could be playing out in your relationship and are undermining it. For instance, people get into a relationship looking for things that they were missing growing up. If the relationship looks attractive, individuals may leap into it hoping for nurturing and love for themselves without taking the time to really get to know the other person. Slow down and get to know prospective partners.

2. Stop repeating the same relationship mistakes.

People often marry, or get into a relationship for all the wrong reasons. They are looking to feel complete, because they haven't resolved things in the past. Many times, they don't feel that they are worthy. Then they find themselves in an unfulfilling relationship, not really sure why they are giving into that relationship. Figure out what you are looking for, and love yourself -- you are worthy of love and respect, and worthy of a healthy relationship.

3. You don't have to be less of who you are to be in a good relationship.

Write out the ideal relationship: What you need in someone that you are compatible with. You'll know that you are leaning towards a good relationship when you don't have to be less of who you are in that relationship. You have to feel complete and feel like you have to stand on your own two feet before you can be happy in that relationship. The other person doesn't complete you because they are not the answer to your unresolved issues.

4. Normalize your feelings.

Uncover your issues and find out what you didn't receive growing up. Then you can fix it and move forward, because you understand the why, and how this changes your reactions. Remember you're not alone: Other people feel this way too.

5. Develop introspection and understanding.

You might want to work with a therapist or do some journaling to help you think through the issues, and what you need to do to fix them. Bottom line is you need to know that you are worthy of love and worthy of a nurturing relationship, and figure out what exactly that looks like to you.?

If you rush into a relationship without understanding where you were, then you won't know where you are going. Take time to understand what you have been through and why. There is hard work that needs to be done. While you may have lost a close loving relationship with a parent, you need to come to terms with that, and develop a loving relationship with yourself.

When you move in a positive direction from what you are used to, you very likely will feel some anxiety. Embrace it. It may sound clichéd but it's true: You have to truly love yourself, before you can really love someone else.

* the name has been changed.

This article is exclusive More.ca
http://www.more.ca/relationships/single-life/midlife-divorce-blame-it-on-your...

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The place is Pahrump - a city where gambling and prostitution are legal and whose main export is fireworks that are banned in the Golden State.

This time of year, law enforcement officers from state and county departments are on the lookout for sedans, minivans, box trucks and semi-trucks hauling loads of illegal fireworks into California.

"It's a battle," said Dan Glozer, a detective in the San Bernardino County Sheriff's bomb unit. "I've been involved in this for eight years."

Patrons who visit the three fireworks mega-stores in the desolate city have 24 hours after the purchase to remove the explosives from Nevada's Nye County.

A box of aerial shells, which shoot into the air and then explode, costs $25 in the stores, but people in California are willing to pay $50 to $75 each, he said.

"This is better than dope," he said. "And it's a misdemeanor."

Anything that flies across the ground, shoots in the air or explodes is illegal, according to California law.

Anyone caught using, or in the possession of, illegal fireworks could be fined. Parents will be responsible for any fires,

Some local agencies will have additional personnel and equipment on duty to enforce zero-tolerance of illegal fireworks this weekend and through the holiday.

Despite the patrols, drivers are still smuggling fireworks into California. And they're getting past officers with the help of the mega-stores and veteran smugglers.

Fireworks stores in Pahrump have been known to hand out maps highlighting alternative routes that avoid sheriff's patrols. But in the desert, there are tell-tale signs that a vehicle is carrying fireworks, Glozer said.

"They will take everything out of the boxes and stuff them in every orifice of the car so the boxes aren't showing. Then they will cover everything with blankets," he said. "But who covers their car in blankets when it's 90 degrees outside?"

03 July 2011

Mark Owen no longer goes out drinking after performing with Take That, but stays in his room eating his favourite chocolate instead.

Mark Owen has swapped alcohol with chocolate.

The Take That star gave up drinking last year after confessing to an alcohol addiction amid revelations he had cheated on wife Emma, but has learned new post-performance routines to stop himself from missing his old ritual of winding down with his favourite tipples.

He said: "What's replaced the temptations? Green & Blacks organic milk chocolate! The world when you drink is different to when you don't. So different.

That's what everyone does when they finish the show. Then you realise you don't need to go to the bar. You just don't need to go there.

"There are different habits when you drink. I would come off stage and start drinking. Just head to the bar.

"That's what everyone does when they finish the show. Then you realise you don't need to go to the bar. You just don't need to go there."

One of the other things Mark - who has children Elwood, four, and Willow, two, with Emma - is using his downtime for is to learn to cook.

He told Time Out magazine: "When we're doing the dates and I'm off stage, I just spend a lot of time on my own being quiet. Our head chef guy is teaching me some recipes too, so I'm cooking stuff most nights."

03 July 2011

Cheryl Cole reportedly reunited with her ex-husband Ashley Cole at her birthday bash on Friday night (01.07.11), with the former couple said to be looking ''really happy'' in each other's company.

Cheryl Cole reunited with her ex-husband Ashley Cole at her birthday bash on Friday night (01.07.11).

The 28-year-old star - who divorced the England and Chelsea soccer ace in September 2010 amid allegations of multiple affairs on his behalf - spent the evening partying at London's exclusive Sanderson Hotel, allowing the beauty to forget her career troubles after being axed from the US 'X Factor'.

A close friend of Cheryl's said: "That evening they realised how much chemistry they still have and how much they mean to each other. Cheryl wanted Ashley at the party to share her special night.

Ashley and Cheryl looked really happy. It was obvious they were close.

"It's a liberating time for her - without 'The X Factor' she can be herself. Besides, she figured that since people were talking about her and Ashley being together again, she had nothing to hide.

"Ashley and Cheryl looked really happy. It was obvious they were close."

However, the reported reconciliation is said to have made Cheryl question whether they should have ever have got divorced in the first place.

The friend added to the News of the World newspaper: "Cheryl couldn't have looked happier when she was in Ashley's arms. It was just a small party for those closest to her. There were only around 40 there. Cheryl only had eyes for one man. They looked so in love.

"Cheryl now wishes they'd just separated. She's madly in love with her ex-husband and she's the happiest she's been for a long time. They both want to make this work. Finally their friends and family accept them, they just want the public to accept it now."